hey all, i have not been on here in like a month!!!
i spent some time on sunny beaches :)

meaning i was on holiday, meaning i ate a lot and exercised a little...sigh...
not too much weight gain though!

as of today...
it's my birthday ( which is nice, but honestly it feels like any other day, besides the fact that i got the most amazing shoes ever)
other than that...

I HAVE NO APPETITE!
its bloody fantastic!

i hope you are all doing well :)

think thin ladies 

p.s. brittany murphy's death, she was beautiful and talented, i was really saddened when i heard the news :( RIP 

or are there less comments on posts? maybe cos of holidays or something?

i got diuretics and laxatives today. i insisted that my grandma was in the rest home and she has 'issues' and needed something quite strong. luckily for me, it seemed to work, i think.
my best friend is coming tomorrow but i just read that flights in Europe are canceled and I'm nervous in case something happens.

hope all is well
xox

aim -500 or less
total for today- 456

so today i was planning on skipping dinner. but my mom seemed so worried because she knew i hadn't eaten all day so i decided i would eat a little. i PLANNED on 2 1/4 pieces (or half of one, essentially) of red potatoes and 2 spoon fulls of peas, which would be, 250ish? but then i got down stairs, and added 2 pieces of bread and some steak (i think it was steak, but i'm not a meat person lol). so my total bumped up to around 600 cals. then i purged what i could, which wasn't very much because my mom was expecting me to come right back down. i would say i only got 1/4 of my meal out maximum.

i mean, i should be upset about this. but after two days of 2000 cals or more, i think that's pretty fuckin' good. i even resisted gingerbread cookies and ice cream.(: i made a 90 cal "smoothie" with ice and orange juice, but i only had about 60 or 70 cals of it.

i feel pretty damn proud right now. i feel in control. i'm really craving a twix, but i've done too good to fuck myself over now, so i'm going to go to bed. ahh, i'm praying i'm 160 by tomorrow. my last check today i was 161, so i completely think it's plausible. maybe i WILL hit my christmas goal. ahh sweet, sweet control.

night all, hope you've had a day you're proud of. xx

new to this comm but not to lj or eating issues. idk, just decided to join cause i post in 28dayplan and this was mentioned and you all seem so nice. and i need to place to post sporadically and perhaps not always about what i ate. anyway, i s'pose you want to know my stats.

height: 5'6.5-5'7 (not exactly sure but somewhere in between. i believe leaning more toward 5'7)
hw: 136
cw: 129 (last time i checked)
gw: 120
ugw: 118 or below

i've been obsessively watching my weight since i was 13 or so and i'm 18 now. i'm very on-and-off about it though which is how i've gotten so large. :\ i think my eating habits fall somewhere in the middle of healthy eating and eating disorder. i would never diagnose myself with anything but i know i watch what i eat much more than others. i want to be 120 or less when i go back to work on january 25. it's easily doable and i am obsessed with staying on track and not making excuses. my ultimate goal is to be 118 (or less if i can manage) cause that's ashlee simpson's weight (her and i are the same height) and i think she looks fabulous. also, one of my good friends was once quite a bit bigger than me and now she's noticeably smaller so every time i'm around her, i never want to eat. incentive to lose weight cause everything between her and i is like a silent competition. anyway, enough of my rambling. hope all of your days have been lovely and that the holiday food isn't proving too tempting, xx

So just thought I should let everyone know that I had dinner at chic fil a tonight
and it was only 300 cals for 8pc chicken nuggets and side salad.

And I fasted yesterday.

I feel great [:

okay so liquid fast day 1 turned into a liquid fast plus 4 mini peachy rings (75 cals i'm guessing)

so i had a bunch of coffee, caramel ice coffee, a sugarfree hot chocolate, and 4 mini peachy rings

. I could never fast so i think i'm just going to do abc or just restrict heavily. i'm hoping i'm down atleast a pound or two tomorrow because i was so high on the scale this morning it was disgusting. tomorrow i want to stay under 400 calories. i need to have control. after i eat i get depressed and i hate myself so why do i do it? i'm going to florida thursday and i'll be wearing a bikini and not only did i not reach my goal weight 2 but i'm up 4 pounds in like 4 weeks. i lost weight quickly and i don't want to gain it back quickly. i was 110.8 as my lowest in 4 years but that was like a month ago. that was only for 2 days. then i stayed at 112 for a while and now i'm just disgusting weighing 115 this morning. i have to be down to 114 or 113 tomorrow. then i need to be 112 by wednesday and 111 by florida. i really need to do this. i will be doing this by restricting. i mean i did pretty well today on the liquid fast except for the 4 mini peachy rings and the caramel in the ice coffee. I have to be down atleast a pound right? how much do you guys gain like a week before your period. do you guys take pamprin? it has a slight diuretic in it. i usually take it a week or two before my period. i just feel so fat and bloated. today i feel much more in control than yesterday. i will continue to have this control. very important

skinny skinny skinny. don't eat little girl!

I need a plan for tomorrow. Ugh, I'm so busy until Xmas. I ate some fish at work (apx 350 cals) but I don't think it'll make me gain. Especially since I worked out & shoveled my car out of the snow for TWO HOURS!!!! Ugh. Google says thats like 800 cals burned. So over the two days of my fast, I'm negative nearly 1000 calories. My goal for this week is to break even so it's like I didn't eat at all XD

did really good. yesterday-4pm today 0 calories. i got down t0 84.4 pounds, that's a new low. my body looked incredible. my bones so visible. then i binged, hardcore. i was feeling so weak and tired. i told myself, "you can have a banana with some peanut butter, but thats it." turns out i end up destryoed the kitchen. i was really really disapointed. i cut again. :/ and i told myself i would stop.
just weighed myself and i'm at 85.2, guess that's not too bad but it still sucks knowing i got down then went right back up. i hate how just one pound can change everything and make such a difference in how i look. i NEVER want to binge again, that's what i want. it ruins all the hard work i put in.
glad i finally have a scale so i can weigh myself whenever. i go back to my moms tomorrow which sucks because its so much harder to not eat when i'm there because she is on my ass about it.
hopefulllly things start to go very smoothly.
i just need to remember it's not worth putting it in my mouth.

<3 love you guys.

 so I'm not sure if you guys remember but I had posted that I started seeing a psychiatrist. Nothing has helped me too much but I really wanted to try some ADD medication to supress apetite and also because I think I had a form of ADD. For example, I can't read or concentrate while someone around me is talking or while listening to music etc.  I told my psychiatrist about this but she said there's nthing i can do...

anyway, i'm home alone for the week and today I took one of my little brother's ADD pills. Biphentin (i think?) there were SO many in the drawer. Who is going to notice 1 missing? anyway, morning started and appetite was the same...then on the subway i was listening to my ipod while reading the morning paper. after 15 mins on the train it hit me that i'd been able to read the paper WHILE listening to music! This was the biggest deal for me lol I have difficulties reading a menu in a restaurant when people are talking - but i had no trouble at all! didn't eat too well though.,. :(

in other news, I can't stop thnking about Brittany Murphy. I really want to know what caused her death. out of all  the recent celebrity deaths this one has hit me the hardest. I know MJ was a big deal but I was never too much of a fan. when i was a lil younger i loved brittany though. Always thought she was a great actress. she was just so happy, and unique. There was no one else quite like her in Hollywood. Oddly enough I thought what made her so unique is he confidence...only to find out today she suffered from a very low self confidence and body image. I had no idea.  This was her last interview I think... watch how thin she is when she walks off at the end www.youtube.com/watch such an amazing girl though. I cant stop thinking about her.  RIP. 

just posted 51 new thinspo's on my page!! pleasssssssse go check them out, they are all amazing.


love you all! stay strong.

so, i thought i was going to get to skip eating dinner. but turns out, my mom knows i haven't eaten. she's making me at least pick at dinner. she knows my stomach hurts, and i still have to sacrifice eating at least 130 or 140 calories. ugh, wonderful. if i eat one thing, i know i'll eat the whole kitchen. -________-

Well, today's liquid fast failed. I had a bowl of fruitloops and a big piece of apple pie.
*sigh*
I went on a really long hike with my dad today though, and have had nothing else all day. Maybe that will slow the fattening down.

I.FUCKING.HATE.HAVING.AN.ED.

Any one up for a liquid fast till at least Thursday??
much needed.

i hate boys almost as much as being full.
i'm so naive, can't stop getting fucked over.

so ive reached the point where i dont believe my real dad when he says he loves me. at all. i mean, the man hasnt had an actual conversation with me until tonight and he said it, but i still dont believe it. whats worse is almost every night i have some kind of dream where he actually does, and where he cares, but i dont think its ever going to happen.
anyways, i ate under 1000 today, and thats cause i was just about forced to. but i did convince mom, somehow, to stop making dinner. so i dont have to eat late anymore. Tae Kwon Do was great tonight, we were constantly moving, and I did 2 classes so thats 2 hours worth. it was awesome.
anyways, im not sure how i feel right now, and i dont know whats going on with me and sarah(my gf-Im bi.) but whatever it is, im about done, and i dont think she realizes it.
peace out!
and stay strong!
hope ur all better than me.
xoxo

NOT ED RELATED

So... I thought I'd share some of my happy day with you all just because I feel like most posts here are just about complaining and sharing the bad times- which is ok, I understand that we all need to rant - I do it too. But I think sharing some happiness should be nice, since-- well-- happy thoughts :D.

Today I woke up happy because it's finally official that I'll be able to join a community service program I'll be traveling with for the next six months. :) I feel like I'll finally be able to give a little bit back to the world and it makes me so happy. So when I woke up I put my music up to max, got in the shower and took it while singing really loudly. XD I decided to download some of the music I USED to listen to so-- let me paint an image for you: Short latin girl, dancing and singing in the shower to "Bye bye bye" and "Dirty Pop" by N Synk, and giving an increadible concert with songs such as "Unfaithful" and "If its loving that you want."

:) Yes, it was fun. I figured whenever I sing I have better days in relation to my emotions. Singing really is my passion. Makes me happy.

Hehe. I realize that- it might not be much to be happy about, but - I really want this, and I'm so happy. I will miss you all so much. Hopefully I'll come home thinner from all the physical work I'll be asked to do there :P.

Win win for everyone, right?

hi i am new to this community and am just looking for a place to vent and make friends  name- lola age- 15 weight- 145  ewww bmi- 28.3 height- 5ft goal weight- 105 eating disorder- i tend to binge and purge sometimes just not eat especially in public but its never consistent

wow i feel like i have not posted in forever, and its only been like a day, haha my computer is annoying, but im going to be posting A LOTTTTT of really amamzing thinspo on my page in about like an hour, so defffffffff check it out..
and ps


im wearing my new urban outsitters dresss that i bought today, and it fits amazingly... (its a small ;) ]